Herbal Lies corporate HQ
Hey you! Yes, you! The one working 50 hours a week doing a job you hate making peanuts which you then piss up against the wall at the weekend - Do you want to be somebody? Do you want to have heads turn as you walk down the street leaving a trail of gasping awe in your wake? With Herbal Lies you’ll reach out into the world with two greedy hands and grasp all the power, prestige and privilege that you can fit into one bank account!

         ‘What do I have to do?’ We hear you ask. ‘What’s the catch?’ You’re surely thinking. Well fear not! For all Herbal Lies asks in return is the signed and sealed delivery of your soul, complete with any remnant traces of individuality that may remain!

         Upon completion of this small yet eternal sacrifice, the empty vessel of your spirit will then undergo a process of renovation, thematic programming and overhaul of your central values and beliefs ­ And all at no extra cost! We will extract such superfluous items such as your sense of humour, honour and shame and in compensation you’ll be obsessed with a single-minded obsession for the products you’ll be selling! You see, here at Herbal Lies we believe it’s not just about feeling good but about letting others know how good you feel ­ After all, what would be the point in living a superior way of life if others are not made to feel inferior in the process?

         So when you take your daily dosage of algae from volcanic lakes, enzymes extracted from crushed coral fungi and crystalised sperm of the dodo, ensure that you swallow them with great ceremony in a public place such as a cafe or a bus. Explain to all puzzled onlookers what a physical and spiritual wreck you were before signing up for Herbal Lies! By complex explanations of the secret lives of amino acids, make them understand how their lives could also undergo a revolution ­ And make a profit too!

         For at Herbal Lies we preach the noble truth that if you pass the buck, then the bucks will surely pass to you! Minus 10%. But hey, if you think we’re creaming you from the top of the pyramid, take heart in the amount of cream you’ll be whipping off those who sign up under you! Yes, the Herbal Lies team is one big happy family and even if you should end up going to the wall with spare rooms full with unsold stock, then take heart that those higher up the food chain are doing just great!

         We know what you’re thinking, ‘pyramids come and go - What guarantee do I have that signing up to Herbal Lies is really worth the price?’ Well, don’t worry, we’ve thought about that too! You see, we’ve looked into the depths of your souls and the truth is there’s very little therein that you’ll miss ­ In fact, we’re convinced that you’re getting a bargain!

         So sign up without delay and we’ll deliver junk mail through your letter box for the rest of your days! You’ll receive complimentary packets of personality substitutes to swallow every other hour of the day and company badges to let all your friends and family know that you’re no longer just another face in the crowd ­ Now you’re a walking slogan for Herbal Lies the company that couldn’t care less!

         And remember, as an authorised agent you’ll come to know the value of the truth and also come to understand that there’s more money to be made at Herbal Lies!

The Pyramid is a registered trademark of Herbal Lies
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